So as a favor to my father I filled his shoes over this labor day weekend at my ancestral village in Zhao Qing (肇庆). The following is an account of the events that transpired in a humorous, reverent, and at times frustrated tone. You try explaining to every relative you run into (that’s basically the whole village for me) that your not planning to get married right away, why, and field the usual responses!

Back to the account. My trip started late Saturday morning – my cousin Yuki and I had tickets from nearby Nan Shan Yi Yuan (南山医院) “South Mountain Hospital” to Zhao Qing scheduled for a 10:30 departure. I arrived about 10:20 and Yuki met me with a McDonald’s breakfast (Yes, i know – I’m sorry!). They were out of sandwiches, though apparently had all the ingredients to compile one. That was revealed when i opened the breakfast tray to find two English muffin halves, a flat circular mass of scrambled eggs, and a sausage patty. The ingenuity necessary to combine them was left to the customer – this did not surprise me.

The bus arrived over 20min late. We were shoved around getting on the bus despite having assigned seats – it’s habitual, nothing to be done about it. I introduced myself to the fellow next to me as it was obvious we shared something in common – he was foreign. Agus? – can’t remember his name. An Australian bloke who worked for the Chamber of Commerce in Beijing (北京) – something to do with mining and other stuffs. He lived in Zhao Qing for about 5 years between ‘02-’07 – interesting stuff. He informed me a friend had told him the traffic getting into Zhao Qing was pretty tight so i might as well forget about the estimated trip time of 3 hours.

Australian guy turned out to be right – we arrived in a little over 4 hours. A kid threw up in the general path of following disembarking passengers – then in the pit where technicians stand when performing maintenance on the buses. I thought how that might pan out at a Jiffy Lube – more eventful I’m sure. Yuki and I waited a few minutes for her brother to arrive by car. We drove to their home nearby wherein I met her Grandma, half my height and speaking with an accent I was hopeless to decipher she began the customary task of force feeding me.

I ate as little as I could in order to achieve the proper level of respect without putting myself in a bloated position for the dinner coming in about an hour. I dropped my bag off upstairs, fiddled and failed to get online and was quickly ushered back outside to Yuki’s brothers car.

We drove to our ancestral village, I’d venture a guess at, 20 minutes away. There after making my rounds shaking hands, dropping a few lines of bad mandarin, and playing 20 min of b-ball with younger relatives – I ate again. Not an incline of hunger existed before the meal as I was barely hungry when I ate at the house earlier. The whole village ate together some 20 tables of relatives that I can only aspire one day to identify in our massive family tree. Duck, chicken, a couple veggies and some kind of fatty Chinese meatballs with rice, beer, tea, and soda if you preferred. I stuck to the water I bought nearby and again ate sparingly.

The Entrance to the Village Eatery

After dinner the lights were popped on in our updated community home (next door to the community eatery). Yuki tried to tell me I might want to give money – though I’m unsure as here words formed neither questions nor statements. I called my father to decipher – she spoke with him, hung up, and provided me with no more clarification on the matter. I stewed – then wandered inside, no one seemed to be leaving yet anyway, and i sensed the mosquito squadrons were rallying to launch – and I’m typically a key target.

Inside, I came to learn, the community members were deliberating on community matters – cool! The matter at hand tonight was who was to manage the village accounting – they had an abacus on one of the two large tables inside – guess I should have known. Everything was conducted in Cantonese so I busied myself with a mini-war with the mosquitoes flying around. 1 point for me every time I killed one, 1 point for them every time they bit me. The committee voted making Yuki’s older brother the community accountant which he reluctantly accepted – an uncle in a red shirt had been passed over but he didn’t seem to upset over it. 7-0 me. Then everyone began putting cash on the table. My cousin (Yuki’s older brother) counted it and the money was placed in a plastic bag which my cousin tucked away. 15-0 + a bonus for a roach. Shortly after we departed for Yuki’s home. 21-0, i was feeling meagerly triumphant.

A Picture from the opening ceremony of the new “Ho” family house on display inside.

After getting home food was again brought to the table, and you were wondering why I ate sparingly . I dodged with a request to take a shower. Afterwords I tried again with the internet – deduced it was something to do with my system – gave up. I then returned downstairs and was greeted with a plethora of junk food. I refused politely… though that dried sweet pork did look tasty. Uncle Henry and a couple of uncles I’m more familiar with came over and were immediately served with bowls, Zongzi (粽子), two trays of rice and veggie powder based dishes, and a couple bowls of local sliced fruit. I ate a bit – despite yelling at myself not to – the apple was particularly tasty. Then I moved onto trying the butter cookies and that seductive dried pork. The fact that it only had four natural ingredients and was imported was enough for me to justify diving in.

I managed my way out of there and back upstairs to use one of my cousins computers to get online. I spent the rest of the night replying to e-mails and updating SNS sites as that was what i was limited to with the Chinese windows and an outdated IE. I hate IE. I ended up in bed around 1:30.

This morning i woke up – after ignoring a set of knocks on my door earlier – I knew all that fake sleeping I did during my high school years would pay off. I did a few sets of push ups, put on my pants, packed up, and made my way downstairs. Grandma brought food out before I even finished pouring myself a glass of water from the bubbler – she was on her game today. I managed to duck a few of the overeating offers including that dastardly dried pork before it was time to leave again for the village. I was given 5 Zongzi (粽子) to bring back with me – I knew my Dad liked them so i thought ‘aah what the hey – I’ll take a few.’

When we got back to the village a meal was being prepared. I busied myself with a little convo with my relatives before moseying over to the kids for a little fun. In my boredom I climbed the tree in their small playground and acted like a monkey to get them roused up – they loved that.

Back inside to eat, even more dishes this time. In addition to the dishes yesterday their was a pork dish, a fish dish, and a veggie w/Chinese sausage dish. I ate to about 70% and filled the rest with water. I transferred my baggage from my cousins car to my Uncle Henry’s before we set off for the day’s adventure.

The plan seemed humble enough – walk around the rice fields and climb the hills where our ancestors were buried, clean off the tombs, light some incense, bow 3 times, and chat along the way. The sun was keen on turning it into more of a trial and it waned on my tolerances. For instance my temperance for being constantly misunderstood by Yuki because in her excitement she answers my questions before they’ve been finished – averaging out in 5 wrong answers to every right one.

There were some interesting sites along the way – for instance the stocked ponds bordered on one side by a large ‘hen house’ housing nearly 1000 geese by my reckoning. The few dead fish i saw floating around didn’t make me feel real great about the food I just ate. Neither did watching the fish eat Geese droppings. At least it appears sustainable right? The highlight of the festive, if not fatiguing, ceremonies included; seemingly pathless venturing through overgrowth, firecrackers before leaving each site – try not hearing us now ancestors! – just in case the x odd billion yuan we burned over to you was insufficient, and wet rice fields with their rows upon rows of the country’s staple crop growing greenly all around me.

I did my best to help out though, just like in HK the week before, I was largely reduced to an awkwardly smiling onlooker. I bowed my bows, almost lost a leg on one of the higher hill paths – damn path was about a foot in width! – and made it back to village in one piece. I endured roughly 30 minutes of prodding about marriage and fended off invitations to stay another day before Uncle Henry was ready to leave. I was happy to get out of there as they were preparing another meal in the community eatery.

Home free back to Shenzhen!

One of my nieces – she was one of the most rambunctious

-End Story-

There’s about 1000 spaces on each side of this hall – can you smell the money? – probably not the smell of incense is quite potent

My Grandmother and Grandfather – the picture was recently updated to include both of them.

Some people gathered outside waiting for their turn to bow and make offerings to their ancestors

My Grandmother’s sister on another floor in the same temple.

There were monkeys outside the tomb on these trees last time – no luck this time.

I believe this is my father’s father’s brother’s brother but not not actually – need to ask about this one again.

This was the last tomb I went to – monk inside reciting scripture and ringing a large bell gave it a nicer feeling than the commercial or government stops

And now some words I captured that day

Up the stairs to find the remains of my Grandfather. A familial obligation I did my best to perform humbly. On stainless steel tables inside the halls the older women of the family hurriedly prepare. Fruit – oranges mostly, bananas, rice, roasted meats – pork, chicken, duck – steamed buns, sweet sesame buns, veggies, paper money, and other niceties to be better appreciated by those enjoying their afterlife. I took 3 sticks of burning incense and, in line, payed my respects to my ancestor with three bows endured through eye-searing, lung clogging smoke. I finished quickly as the line demanded so. It was an exercise in efficiency as much as one of respect. I moved to a second room to repeat the gesture to my father’s cousins daughter’s mother – then to a lower level to once again bow with incense to my grandmother’s sister. I got 4 sticks of incense for the second bowing and 6 for the last from my uncle. It seems the significance of three was lost a little in this transaction. I softly inquired with my father about the significance of the entire act. “I think i need to invent another way for my children to pay their respects to me when I’m gone.” I supposed. I thought a nice dinner over meaningful discussions about family matters and biz would suffice. My father told me some people already were utilizing alternatives. There are sites where you can go and purchase virtual incense and the like and pay your respects virtually. Much more cost effective than purchasing a spot at this shrine to display your ashes – anywhere from 30000-100000+HK. That would ring a wall of 100 w x 13 h units (at an avg of 50k/box) in at 65,000,000HKD. There is well over a billion HK decorating the walls of this shrine. My father and I speculated there was almost certainly a business behind this operation. Real estate for the dead is a fine business indeed.

Yep so I’ve been working on developing this event as attendance has been dwindling lately. That, and the fact that it now has potential to net me some money in the long run. I’ve been learning a lot the past several months promoting through various avenues. Little things like… not to take for granted how easily someone can get lost even with clear directions in picture, text, and video format – as well as bigger things like the general relative ineffectiveness of impersonal invitations and mass marketed ad’s.

The more I’ve been using online means to generate traffic and eventually warm bodies to different events in the area the more I’ve felt a connection to the appeals of social media in the Chinese marketplace. As I’ve mentioned before mass marketing, at least initially, for anyone results in far less returns here than it would in western countries. People here need to know your brand name well, gaining a consumers trust is an incredibly challenging task in a world where business law, customs, and infrastructure are based on non-trust.

Using social media you can interact with your target customer’s on a human level. This may not get you sales right away but it will grant you access to people that you can then make further contact with face-to-face. Without making those phone calls and meetings where you meet potential clients, partners, etc. you wouldn’t get anything done through the internet here in China. Not on any reasonable time line anyway. The appeals I’m talking about are even more useful in western countries – however I find their effectiveness particularly attractive in this market where so many other tactics that work well in the west fail miserably.

Seems I’ve drifted off away from the subject of my Chinese corner event but hopefully it will be beneficial for some of you that take the time to read it. If not, you can forgive me right? Hope to see you guys reading this from the Shenzhen area at my event this weekend I promise the wine will be good, the cheese fresh and the fruit sweet and ripe as always. Plus if its not you can always try to convince me to cook something for you instead .

It’s an all too common occurence in China even today – theft. My last victim this past weekend was my electric scooter. I suppose it was my fault for placing it where the parking lot camera was poorly supported by area lighting. My fault for not having purchased a more massive bike lock from outside of the country (to lesson the chance that thieves have a master key for my lock). My fault for not fighting the guards to let me park the bike closer to the camera and perhaps even auditing their security system to ensure proper coverage of the areas I usually park my bike. Definitely my fault.

That was sarcasm for any of yousguys that didn’t catch it. These thoughts might sound rediculous but if you spend enough time here you may begin to see how real-life practical they are. I’ve lost count of the number of people I know who’ve been thieved of something here. Wallets, bikes, cars, cell phones, purses, pens, books, cats, watches, you name it.

So far I’ve had a bike, a passport, and an electric bike stolen in China. I suppose that’s not too bad considering I’ve been here for almost 2 years….

Anyway back to being angry. I spoke with my office buildings staff (the vehicle was taken outside my office building) and managed to get into the surveillance room where I found to my amazement a rather extensive video surveillance system. After quite a bit of fast forwarding and rewinding we managed to deduce that my ebike was stolen between the hours of 5:41 and 6:10. The end time was established via the gate guard outside who reported when he arrived for his shift around 6pm their was no bike there.

Upon this realization I had a choice to make: call the police and inform them of the theft and lie to most of the questions they would ask about what I’m doing in China and where I live and what have you… this would more than likely result in nothing as even if there was a clear picture of whoever it was in the video locating him would be impossible… I know the western realities of investigation don’t apply here.. OR not call the police and possibly pull out my shotgun and run madly through the building lobby blasting every shady looking chineseman in a futile but satisfying effort to reclaim my lost property…. or at least the dignity it went with. I settled for not calling and signing… ammunition is hard to come by.

Now wait just a minute – I’m not going to go off on some kind of ignorant man-rant. This entry is simply a reiteration of a warning I hear over and over again about Chinese girls from those I care about in my life and what I believe we should take away from them.

For anyone that’s had the privilege and position to be a westerner in China exposed to younger Chinese women in this day and age you will know the allure. It’s almost too easy for us to attract attention and affection with minimal effort. Satisfying needs requiring the opposite sex become all to easy. It truly will spoil you. However dealing with this situation with the tools your mother culture has equipped you with can leave you in some very sticky situations. Here are some of the guidelines I’ve learned – in the form of the voices that delivered them to me:

Don’t let a girl live with you..

Unless of course you have the intention of marrying her and having babies and buying her all the things she wants + her parents and extended family need.
I find the meaning in this step forward in a relationship usually extends deeper for Chinese women than western women. Moving in together is essentially step A in the sequence of steps necessary to obtain marriage. Take care – don’t make this move unless you basically want to spend the rest of your life with this woman – or want to pay hell to get out of it.
As for the parents/extended family aspect. I’m not saying that all Chinese girls are created equal and that their entering into your lives in any long term fashion will automatically involve her parents and extended family. However it would be wise to consider this influence on their lives. I have yet to meet a Chinese girl who doesn’t have parents that are upset with her for being unmarried after her early 20’s. I also have yet to meet a Chinese girl who doesn’t feel strongly that she needs to care for her parents in a “hands-on” fashion until the day they die.

Be Careful with your financial data..

This is a lesson I’m still too naive to enforce full strength. I don’t believe that the majority of Chinese women are gold-diggers. On the contrary most of the women I’ve spent any time with have been quite the opposite (as far as i can gather). However, we’re talking influence here not absolutes. Consider the fact that, historically speaking, Chinese women have been socialized to find a good provider (rich dude) and latch onto him for the benefit of her family. Even those women that are doing their best to fight this influence will be hard pressed to ignore the allure of a man candidly revealing the multitudes of his wealth. Strong social forces are at play – keep your bankbook to yourself and don’t drive her around in your Lambo to see all your property in the area – again unless your looking for a permanent situation.

Generally Speaking..

Just like most of my cultural learnings in China – you need to be respectful and accepting of the ways of the Chinese – women’s right’s, cultural influence, social position, perspective, and belief system’s are no exception. If your interested in making an impression on them and adjusting their expectations – you’ll first need to be prepared to do some accepting of your own. Blunt force will not help you achieve any meaningful goal with a beneficial end. Adopt the perspective of a respectful student and teacher – push gently and firmly when you find you have an appropriate amount of social capitol – listen carefully and thoroughly when she voices her own perspective and understanding of things. Be ready to adapt just as you would expect her to if turns out it makes sense to do so.

In Macao trying my hand at a little low level gambling (I only have 200RMB in my pocket.) At the hotel they charge for internet – thought they were nice enough to include a 15 minute free access card with our room card. Gee thanks! You also need to go down to the lobby to use one of their computers. I refused to do that. So how you might ask am I writing this post from said hotel? Well I am in that lobby and I noted their computers were password protected. Ah ha! that must be their point of controlling access. So I yoinked the ethernet cord from the back of the tower and put it into my laptop. Mwahahha. Aye I can even access facebook from here sweeeet. Life outside the GFWC is grand.

What exactly is one supposed to do with 15 minutes of internet access.. well wait before let’s think about the experience of a potential user. In this day and age isn’t internet access right up there with access to water or air? It’s an essential part of our everyday lives and these places (this hotel isn’t unique in their practice) seem content to try and squeeze a little extra cash out of you for access to what has become a daily necessity. I would rather they say they don’t have internet access than to notify me that they do and then after insulting me with quotation on a daily/hourly rate to further irritate me with a “complementary” free 15-minute access card. Do you want me to sign in and out with my name and room number for this service? Are you going to chaperone me while I use to ensure I don’t go over my alloted 15 minutes. Viva la net!!! Someone needs to remind me to do something scumbaggy before I leave here… I know it’s a silly thing to get too aggrevated about but I’m venting.. safer than talking about other problems hehe.

For those of you that don’t know it’s a national holiday in China right now. They have from the 1st to the 6th off from work. This two day trip to Macao is a “team building” kick-off for our new staff and I guess an excuse for me, Mike, and John to go a little crazy – and probably not sleep. I’ve heard stories about this place . Let’s see if I can make some of my own. I’ll be sure to leave any juicy bits of my adventure on here when I sober up.

It’s a developing trend I’ve been noticing in my communication with others, and my preference for communications from others. Is what your saying useful? If it’s not why are you bothering to say it in the first place. If what you say serves absolutely no purpose that either you nor the intended listener can immediately discern why are you bothering to open your mouth in the first place. I call this type of talk and communication (phone, e-mail, chat, instant messaging, etc.) noise. More and more I notice that when i get fatigued my tolerance wanes quickly for this type of useless chatter.

China, in my experience, is notoriously aggravating when it comes to noise. So many times I ask a simple question that can be answered in one or two sentences and in return I have to comb through two to three paragraphs of fluff to get to the meat of the matter. The language barrier is helpful when it comes to talking to some Chinese through mediums such as e-mail but if I dare approach them with my Chinese that is a horse of a different color indeed.

It’s funny because I used to be and still occasionally am a noise-maker. As I’ve gotten busier and my perspective on life has adapted in this new environment I’ve learned the uselessness of some of the things I used to bother talking about. There simply is not enough time or energy to go around to waste blabbing about things people don’t want to hear about. If I ask you how much your product is – just tell me how much the goddamn thing is. I don’t want to hear about minute details of your products quality, that your family has owned this shop for generations – that the shop down the street underselling you by 10-15% is no good. I don’t care if you think my Chinese is good or that you think it looks good on me. Shut up – just tell me what I need to know!!!

Ah that reminds me of another thing that really gets me going. I love Chinese people you can ask anyone that I know on a first name basis – but one bad habit that tends to push my buttons is their avoidance of saying “I don’t know” when they don’t have the slightest clue what your talking about, looking for, asking about, etc. You don’t know how many times I’ve walked in 3 or 4 different directions only to find out when I asked the next person that my destination was nowhere near where I was walking. I literally need to stress 2 or 3 times + “are you sure” to figure out if they actually know what they are talking about. I have to soften them up to the idea of saying “I’m sorry I don’t know.” I understand some of the why behind the habit – but my soft skill capacities are better spend on profitable endeavors… I guess its difficult to realize that by telling me false information due to inexperience is actually more aggravating and makes you look like a bigger asshole than telling me you have no idea. Maybe I’ll make a T-shirt about it – write it both in Chinese and English.

Anyway back to my Noise rant. I think this is a lesson that can be applied liberally pretty much everywhere. Get to the point – order your sentences to reflect their relative importance and keep all the useless fluff to yourself. Maybe I’m too hard – thinking too much like a company man than an accommodating human being, but really, who has enough time in life to examine the minute details and nuances behind every interaction and exchange of information. I think like a businessman. My time is precious and my mind is already full of other shit I have to deal with and when I take the time to ask you a question I am looking for the answer to the question so I can solve that problem and move onto the next. If you want to be successful you need to be useful – not loud, not overly informative, not well-spoken, nor attractive, not even accommodating and filled to the brim with soft skills – first and formost you need to be USEFUL. Nurture the mindset of solving people’s problems and you’ll have a lot less trouble getting ahead in life.

Anyway I need to get back to pumping out this worksheet for my Chinese corners this afternoon. Hopefully I’ll have enough time to eat properly – that way I can take the inevitable noise-storm of bs I’m going to run into as soon as I step outside in stride. -end rant-

Last Sunday as my “Chinese Corner” came to a close one of my buddies pulled up an interesting set of pictures from several different online sources. The pictures were associated with articles claiming that Babies were being eaten in China – there were claims that eating fetuses would increase ones fertility. The pictures were disturbing to say the least.

So I began well intended, looking for some software that would translate chinese text to english when placing your cursor over the text in any application or webpage. The winning candidate turns out to be one Powerword created by Kingsoft a Chinese based software company which has been combating Microsoft on various fronts for more than a decade. Problem…. apparently the software was designed to aid Chinese learners and was therefore designed with a Chinese interface. Having downloaded and installed that version I found the functionality I could use acceptable but most of the applications power was unavailable to me because of the chinese interface. So began the search into an english interface version of the software…

This article springboarded my learnings surrounding this matter. If you tire of my ramblings Wikipedia has a well thought-out entry you may like to peruse. Now to clarify there are several versions of “Powerword” I have seen mentioned back and forth online. The software I initially downloaded (zip file named ‘powerwordlite.25269.3009.exe’) was infact the free software developed by the Google/Kingsoft joint venture (using that term loosly – haven’t researched the official relationship between the two entities). All other versions of Powersoft (I lost count of how many I found – ranging in years from 2000-2009 version numbers 3.0 to 5.5 and a languages Japanese, Chinese, English) were/are produced by Kingsoft and are not freeware. As I’m in China the fact that they are not freeware simply means its a little more difficult for me to effectively transform it into free ware.. [A. Search online for a full download and crack OR B. Go down to my local electronics shopping area and pick up a hacked copy for 10 yuan]. Though I’m sure these behaviors would be frowned upon by many it is an unfortunate defacto law of the land here in China. Some acts are in motion in an effort to circumvent this trend but believe you me for now they remain in full swing.

3 hours later….

Decided to call it quits on account of frustration and lack of desire to pull all the hairs out of my head. Looks like I may have to go the route of steal/copy/crack in order to get what I want. Thats ok – I’m in the right place for that .

This is old news at this point but for those of you that are unaware blogger has been being blocked in China for somewhere in the neighborhood of a month. Proxies are allowing me to access and post at this point. I have plans to relocate this blog to my own domain using wordpress to circumvent this unfortunate mishap. I hope my posting of some “controversial” material pertaining to Tibet and Tian’an’ men square hasn’t provided justification for their blocking. Anything is possible – perhaps I should change my locks and adopt a disguise *chuckle*

A handy tunneling/proxy tool that I’ve heard was developed by an MIT engineer specifically for Chinese netizens is called Freegate it provides the fastest secure proxied connection I’ve seen. Even if your not located in China it may be useful to you for its ease of use. Opening the program automatically updates your network settings in IE/Google to utilize the proxy – closing it restores the original settings (thats usually just “Automatically find settings” in my Lan settings) Give it a go if your curious I’ve already passed it off to anyone I thought could make use of it.

My Apologies! Hot Hot Hot

So sorry for the long absence of posts, I promise to make up for it in the coming weeks! It’s really beginning to get hot over here – time for the body to adjust to the stand and sweat climate. I was out the other night with my American buddies and our discussions revolved around the appeal of saunas in this climate. There was a moment of agreement on how unnecessary they were and then Brent commented a collegue of his jested that he prefered sauna’s because their were no poor people in them (beggers etc.) Some mild-mannered chuckling followed – its true that even I have grown to lack any and all sympathy for beggers.

I suppose its not fair to say that on an individual level – the people who are on the street begging are truly unfortunate. However the sad fact of the matter is that they are most often employees of an inhumane enterprise that preys on the humanity of their fellow human beings. Taking children from birth and dismembering/burning/disfiguring them so as to increase returns when they ship them out to beg on the streets. I guess the correct thing to say would be that I will never give them money – perhaps food if I happen to be carrying any (O! we did give an elderly begger a bottle of beer several weeks ago) – there is very little righteousness in supporting an organization profiteering off of pity.

Here are some pictures illustrating some of the tactics, unfortuantely I’ve seen worse – I believe a man with a gaping wound on his leg, no skin at all covering 1/4 of his shin, you could visibly make out the difference in thickness of flesh covering his leg from the wound to undamaged level of skin – sad, sad, sad.

According to my very limited research and experience there are beggers who are legitimate, those of the organized type (often the most disgustingly disfigured) and those who really have no reason to beg save to make a little extra money on the side. It’s an ugly part of life that I hope will disintegrate with China’s rise out of poverty. P.S.- don’t buy flowers from the underaged salesboy who frequents the hooker bars, he will always find you again… 2nd hand experience of course, come now am I that sort of fellow! *chuckle*