Monday Night Catharsis

David Ho's Catharsis Face

A free association piece I wrote to sort through my emotions and clear my mind from the events of the past couple weeks

It’s like my brain is on fire. Furious and fuming – a boiling pot of hot sauce topped with a cork just aching to give way under the building pressure. One can’t just dispense with that hot hate lava anywhere – lest he be willing to spend a great deal of time afterwords repairing the damage done to undeserved parties.

I need a proper outlet – perhaps a simple punching bag will do – a way to let it out and express in words and actions the anger that festers inside… demanding release lest it foul another portion of my mind or body.

I own a good portion of it, as I feel is best to do. If one spends his time finding routes to blaming others he denies himself the benefits of finding and rectifying his own faults in failure – effectively losing what’s most important in failure – learning how to avoid the same kind in the future by making changes to his own actions. Is it so difficult for others to see this? Is it so difficult to understand that a change must be made IN YOU if ever you are to change the results you see again and again in your life that you would rather not. The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different results – right Einstein?

I’ve lost my center these past two days, yesterday I wandered in my mind half-present watching a anime series with my cousin half-elsewhere reflecting on my efforts the past two weeks in putting together my last event. Numbing out life again, as it had become momentarily intolerable.

I’m mad at myself, mad for letting myself get into a position where I was overworked and under compensated – a result which I foresaw before I committed myself to the event but lacked the conviction to act upon. Then again I didn’t expect to be this under assisted. I find more than the money what upset me most was a feeling of being left out to dry – alone in an alley fending for myself against several foes abandoned by my companions sworn to aid me in the battle. I can harbor some anger at myself for not calling upon them more vigorously – but truth be told – I should not have to call upon them.

Business partners are supposed to assist of their own accord. They ought to be proactive, they ought to be helpful, they ought to fill gaps instead of covering their ass and doing only as much as they have to – as much as they are told to do – as much as their job description describes. Business partners are not supposed to be employees, they shouldn’t stop at the bare minimum, they ought to push with vigor and drive towards the business goals as best as they can with the skills and resources they have available to them – as far as appropriate. The selfishness of employees bothers me, it’s fundamentally stupid – if one thinks with a long term mindset.

Business works when the people running it construct solutions wherein everyone wins. You construct those solutions by considering the needs and desires of all parties not by tending to your own. Those who choose to mask their personal agenda with a business concern enrage me further. I can be understanding but I don’t believe those with their head that far up their own ass deserve my understanding. Stop being a spoiled manipulative self-centered employee and think about what’s best for the business. I’ve heard it said there is no greater treachery in business than whoring it out for the sake of your personal agenda. I tend to agree.

No one is a bad person – none are worthy of persecution or reprimand, in fact if those that knew better took the time to train and nurture the understandings of those trapped in the self-centered employee mindset they might very well turn into great businessmen. However I don’t believe I should have to go about training my partners at this point in my life, I believe I deserve people that are on the same page, they may not get it all but their heart, mind, and business philosophy are on the level with my own. Then there is also the concern that the benefits received from such teachings would go unappreciated at best and used against me at worst. Indeed anyone I would take under my wing must be trustworthy beyond doubt.

I should move to action, the events of recent have stilled my drive and robbed me of my momentum. I should choose some course of action imbued with the lessons of these past two weeks and file away the currently in-actionable ones. Better equipped to decide on like matters in the future and no worse for the wear. What to take – well for one choose wisely those you would rely upon and call your partners – never take the invitation nor the acquiescence to a partnership lightly. You’d think I’d know that by now but it seems I need reminding yet again. As my confidence grows so will the tenacity of my conviction – I forgive myself the repeated offense of too lightly concerning myself with the bringing on of new partners.

I also need to be better at delegating and managing my emotions when things don’t go my way. I forgive myself for my unenergetic delegation as in these recent situations the work involved in delegating was more than the doing of the work myself. I know why this is but took no measure to rectify this problem as I knew I should. I’m taking those measures now. I bottled my emotions instead of finding productive outlets for those that were useful and expressing in a non-damaging fashion those that would not contribute to productivity. I believe more and more each day that EQ defines how successful a businessman is and challenge myself to continue working on my emotional strengths and weaknesses. Working with people is incredibly challenging – let that be a lesson to me for this year and moving forward.

I forgive myself for all these failures on a whole as there was only so much time I could put towards this endeavor once the commitment was made on my part. In a bigger picture I forgive myself because I’m a young entrepreneur, learning and growing as best I can. I know I’m doing good things and building in the right direction, I know what I believe in is right and what I’m trying to accomplish is worthwhile – I can do no unforgivable wrong as long as my goal is sound and honorable. As long as I’m true to myself and fair and generous in my dealings with others. I’ll Do unto others and I’ll eventually find like minded people and together we will prosper to our rightful level of success and beyond. *self pat on the back* it will all be ok – keep moving forward.

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